Having fully subscribed to the “I am now a communist. Now what?” brigade, I have taken to boring my friends to death on newly-discovered social media for shits and giggles. Like many leftists, I evaded the social media thing until the bitter end, until the only possible means through which I could communicate with another human being was via one of those fucking stupid phones that eat your brain or turn it into advertising jingles, or do things with my personal data that makes my personal data seem far more important than it is. Of course, the real reason why I didn’t join the social media was that I find other people extremely boring and I like to think that I am important enough to actually bother protecting my personal data. As conspiracy theorists are well aware, a wrathful and spiteful God is better than a God who doesn’t give a fuck and probably doesn’t exist. So, to atone for my newly impassioned role as content provider for Facebook, a company creepy enough to call their employees “family members”, I have become a rabid, fevered communist: a communist with the zeal of a recent convert, in fact. And, in a major twist of irony, an irony that many communists share, their declaration of a stateless, classless utopia where everybody lives according to need rather than the dictates of a private mode of production does, in the end, lose you a lot of friends, largely because you end up browbeating them about being bourgeois all of the time.
The nice thing about communism though, and one it’s many facets and ironies is that you don’t actually need anybody else. And that probably goes some way toward explaining why nobody is a communist. If everybody was a communist there would be nothing for existing communists to moan on about. Instead, every existing communist has to form at least 700 splinter groups just to contain his or her (or whatever transgendered variants of those terms have emerged recently in Boy George goes Spastic land – I apologise for failing to keep up with the current issues of Smash Hits! and maintaining my binary thoughts) various tendencies, plots, sects, splinter groups among themselves, and of course, all of the all-out wars on the age-old “was Trotsky a bit of prick?”, Sino-Soviet, “Khrushchev was a fucking running dog counterrevolutionary bourgeois paper tiger scumbag.” “Fuck you Mao with your cultural revolution bullshit. Stuff your peasants up your fat arse you cunt” stuff. And that’s just one person.
To calculate it accurately, you would need 490 billion Communist Parties. This would, via the bullshit job, resolve the unemployment crisis, if not the profitability one. Which was what this post was going to be about.
The Universal Basic Income, and why it’s a load of old cobblers from people who should really know their “capitalists are ruthless profiteering bastards” shtick better than that. In short, the UBI is shit because why on Earth would a bunch of capitalists want a bunch of consumers have any time to think about things? An overworked, brainwashed population plodding some bullshit job or other for 60 hours a work pretending it matters makes a far better consumer than somebody who never has to even leave the house and spends most of their time getting stoned, talking about philosophy and reading long books on Hegel. The former, which is the good life, apparently, keeps your personal debts up, and keeps the peasants too exhausted to realise that they can basically live on boiled potatoes and nothing that awful is going to happen to them. And slowly it’ll sink in: “Hang on! We’ve already got enough shit! These cunts are trying to extract profit out of me rather than selflessly provide me with my 68th sofa of the day because I’ve got choice and I’ve got freedom and I’ve got power!”
They wouldn’t want that. So you have to the bullshit thing instead for 87 hours a week, on 24 hour call because of the phones. The proof that all work is bullshit is the fact that commuting still exists for non-manual work. If there was anything at work to do other than just show up on time, nobody would ever commute anywhere. It’s pointless. They’d just do the fucking work at home and send it over the fucking internet. They would do it in the nude. Whilst masturbating. To Philip Schofield on This Morning.
Revolutionary thinking indeed.